To Feel

I would like to feel skin
I would like to feel touch
I would like to feel patients’ hands  unceasing,
squeezing, disbelieving 

I would like to feel loss
I would like to feel alone
I would like to feel my stomach sinking, upending,
emptying everything  

I would like to feel grief
I would like to feel agony
I would like to feel my heart ripped apart,  repair
impossible, never unsevering 

I would like to feel afraid
I would like to feel rage
I would like to feel terror uncontrolled; heat, body,
blood trembling 

I would like to feel sorrow
I would like to feel swelling
I would like to feel salt-streaked cheeks releasing
concealing; healing  

I would like to feel connected
I would like to feel divinely connected I would like to feel soul
returning to source, opening, tethering, remembering 

I would like to feel anything…

Notes from the interview that inspired this poem:

“I would like to feel,” she began. “As physicians, we’re too good at putting our feelings aside. Someone once told me I was great at compartmentalizing, and meant it as a compliment. It’s not a good thing.” This woman was an OB-GYN and medical educator. She shared that it had been difficult to lose the ability to sit with a patient and hold their hand because of all the PPE they’re required to wear now. “I don’t know how we’ll come to terms with what we’ve lost; it’s not ever going to be what it was, and that’s terrifying. At the same time, there is a sense of resilience and beauty that underlies it all, and this time has brought me in touch with the divine and nature in a way like never before,” she said. “I would like to feel the loss, the grief, and the connection.”

Interviewee: Anonymous, Educator
Listener Poet: Jenny Hegland